The Pause

In preparation for impending motherhood, my daughter, who is a sophisticated consumer of text, has been reading deeply on the subject across a diverse body of print information.  One not particularly intellectual book that has nonetheless provided fodder for stimulating conversations is the New York Times Bestseller Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.  I'm only halfway through it, but I can say with assurance that whether you read it as a cultural anthropology or as a parenting guide, it will make for interesting conversation and reflection.

The author, Pamela Druckerman, is an American journalist who finds herself raising a family in France.  In very short order, she notices a dramatic difference between American children and the native French on almost every measure of behavior and temperament.  She calls on her journalism skills to undertake an expansive investigation.  Her observation and research reveals fundamental parenting differences so pervasively embedded into French culture that French parents are not even aware that their national manner of interaction with their children is what makes their children so characteristically different from Americans.

Some notable differences the author explores are that French children are apparently largely content and patient.  Babies sleep through the night by four months. Toddlers patiently eat four course meals at fancy restaurants while their parents sip coffee or wine.  The children are almost uniformly inquisitive, creative, resilient, and wise ("sage").  The author discovers through interviews with French professionals and peers and by studying the key authors who have influenced their parenting culture (think the French equivalent of Dr. Spock), that the French are quite consistent about what they value and so, quite intentional about what - and how - they teach their children.  They are also remarkably calm and consistent with their children.  They provide a frame of firm immovable boundaries, a cadre, within which children experience a great deal of freedom to explore and make decisions.  And they help children understand why they are doing these things.  This makes sense to me because as educators we know that children will be more successful in reaching the learning target if they know what it is - and what success looks like.

Aside from French eating habits, which I will have to save for another column, the most fascinating idea I've read so far is the use of a small response delay that Druckerman dubs "The Pause."   French parents watch their children intently to understand their needs, waiting a few seconds before responding to a baby's cry or a child's request. They remind their children to wait, rather than to be good or quiet. And they tell their children why they must wait because they believe that babies are rational beings who can learn things, and that their children will be much happier if they learn patience and frustration tolerance.

By modeling, slowing down our response times, and giving kids opportunities to practice delayed gratification, perhaps the French have discovered a formula for giving their children a life skill that will lead to success and contentment in many future endeavors. Pausing.  A simple idea with potentially life-changing results.  'Might be worth a try.