Three questions

A blog post by Meg Conley, who writes on topics of motherhood and childhood, recently caught my attention for its relevance to the changing rhythms of family life that come with the start of school. After a summer of spontaneity and adventure, fall brings with it an opportunity to renew the important ritual of the family dinner.  At a table.  With napkins.  And prayer.  And conversation. Real, interactive conversation.

If this routine is foreign, or you think your children are too little or too teenager-y to embrace a ritual of actual interactive talking and listening, Conley suggests a framework of three provocative questions:

• How were you brave today?
• How were you kind today?
• How did you fail today? 

How brilliant!  To talk about these things daily keeps them on everyone's radar and sets them up as expectations. Hearing our children's answers gives us a glimpse into their evolving challenges and keeps us more intimately connected as a family.  Further, conversations framed on values allow us not only to coach, but to model self-reflection. Talking day upon day about our own attempts at bravery and kindness and our own moments of failure affirms our children's experiences and challenges as normal, and, most importantly, sets them on a course to cherishing critical values and honing important competencies. 

Though you could certainly choose different questions to guide your conversation, I really like the package Conley proposes. The definition of bravery does, of course, change with life's stages and is impacted by one's personality as well, but acts of bravery always bring a sense of accomplishment and hope.  Talking about bravery daily gives parents the opportunity to celebrate those moments when a child asked a teacher for help or stood up to a bully or read in front of the class. It gives Mom and Dad opportunities to reflect on the risks we take in learning something new or defending our values or our faith publicly. When we affirm a family's ever-growing diary of these little moments, we form our children's habits and skills and, eventually, their honorable character.

  

Making kindness part of daily conversation is a reminder to all of us that we are surrounded by opportunities to spread goodness.  From a friendly word to the cook or the janitor to including a marginalized classmate (or coworker), hearing a growing list of daily examples will inspire the entire family to make kindness a habit, not just something for an annual "kindness challenge."

Finally, failure is a necessary ingredient in growth and every failure - whether by omission or commission - is an opportunity to become better:  more skilled, more responsible, more holy.  To normalize failure in daily conversation supports a lifetime of reaching high.

We know from research and child development experts that the family dinner in and of itself is an important ingredient in academic success.  Perhaps by adding the structure of three questions it could be a platform for much more.  And I have no doubt that listening to our children's responses will inspire our own personal growth.

Bon appetit!