The common good

Homemade coffeecake and juice were on the menu for this week's "Coffee with the Principal."  It was our first-ever Coffee without actual coffee - and without clear actionable steps forward - but what was abundantly clear is that the topic of school climate and culture is a critical one.

I defined the current status of St. Robert School's culture, or way of life, and our climate, or prevailing "feeling."  I shared my goals to maintain a faithful, rigorous program and a nurturing, safe, and comfortable learning environment, and then dissected the responsibilities of the principal, the teachers, and the parents in positively influencing these elements of the school experience.  It became clear that this is one area in which the school's reach is realistically limited by powerful influences beyond our walls.

We identified some challenges and suggestions that surfaced in last spring's survey on community and diversity.  Those comments centered largely around perceived social challenges - not only among students, but within the parent community as well.  After briefly considering some expert advice on how best to manage such challenges, our group engaged in some thoughtful conversation centered largely on the topic of bullying and exclusion.

We learned that programs and policies don't impact these social power structures.  The unsettling truth is that adults have no effective power to control bullying and exclusion. These forces can only be changed from within peer groups by empowering our kids with prosocial behaviors that have more clout than meanness. It's not enough to teach kids what not to do.  We also have to teach them precisely what to do to promote kindness and compassion among their peers.

Harvard School of Education's Making Caring Common project was launched in response to the concern that young people today are more concerned about their own personal success than the common good.  Student surveys conducted by the project reveal that students perceive that among the qualities of goodness, happiness, and achievement, their parents and teachers rank achievement first for them.  We know that bullying is a side-effect of achievement pressure, and that it is less likely to happen in caring, inclusive school environments.  We further know that promoting healthy social-emotional learning leads not only to improved relationships and health outcomes, but, ironically, to academic gains as well.  So it seems that we have to do some soul-searching about the messages we may be sending - in our words and in our behavior - and make sure that our kids understand that their goodness is more important to us than any other achievement.

In the end, we agreed that the way forward comes down to faith.  When our priority is to look outward and create a caring world, rather than to endorse a "me-centric" view of success, we have the potential to create a community of kids postured to make a positive influence on the world in ways that really matter.

This discussion needs to continue.  Watch for a follow-up Coffee on creating a culture of kindness.

Before you were born

I received a message from a vendor today that included a warm acknowledgement of today's Holy Day along with a memory of her own childhood in Catholic school on December 8th.  It made me pause. Are we doing enough to assure that our children will carry forward a knowledge and reverence for the traditions - and essence - of our faith?

Today is the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception.  As Catholics, we know this as one of the Holy Days of Obligation, but what, exactly, does that mean?

In addition to every Sunday, there are a few other days in each calendar year that are deemed so important as to require our deliberate attention and participation at Mass.

• January 1 - The solemnity of Mary
• Thursday of the sixth week of Easter - The Feast of the Ascension of our Lord
• August 15 - The Assumption of Mary
• November 1 - The solemnity of All Saints 
• December 8 - The solemnity of the Immaculate Conception
• December 25 - The solemnity of the Nativity of our Lord, or what we more commonly call Christmas

Whenever January 1st,  August 15th, or November 1st falls on a Saturday or on a Monday, a diocese may (and ours does) remove the obligation to attend Mass, often leaving just a few remaining obligatory days each year.  But even so, in this age when even Sunday Mass attendance is viewed as optional, honoring these special days has become less and less common with each passing year.  It seems that as it becomes more commonplace to look at the Holy Days as some quaint remnant of an earlier time, it also becomes easier to get swept up in this momentum of turning away and take the posture that honoring the day must, indeed, be optional - because, look around.  Hardly anyone is going to Mass. But the difficult truth is that it's not optional.  These days are fundamental to our identity - and obligation - as Catholics.  So perhaps, before we wake up and realize that we're more than a generation removed from a real understanding of what we believe, some instruction is in order. 

Because of its proximity to Christmas, many good Catholics misunderstand the Immaculate Conception as referring to the conception of Jesus, but of course if we do the math, it becomes clear that this is not what we honor today.  Rather, it's the conception of the Virgin Mary herself in her mother, Anne's, womb.  We acknowledge today, our fundamental belief that Mary was chosen by God to bear his son from before she was even conceived, and was then conceived without sin to be worthy of this remarkable role.  There's much more to the story of course, as we will learn when we read about Mary's Yes in the Annunciation - at the age of about fourteen.

One remarkable gift for us today is the reminder that God has chosen each of us for some particular role in his grand plan.  To be able to say "yes," we have to hear him calling.  To hear, we have to be listening.  To listen, we have to be in relationship.  Advent is a great time to deepen your relationship with God.  The Holy Days are an opportunity.  Don't miss the opportunity...go to Mass, show your children that this is essential, and reap the harvest of God's amazing plan for your life!

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.     
Jeremiah 1:5                                                                                                      

Simple parenting for a complex age

I had the privilege a couple of weeks ago to attend the presentation on raising resilient children hosted at University School by REDGen, our local youth mental health advocacy organization.  The speaker, Dr. Robert Evans, is a clinical and organizational psychologist and former teacher who works with schools nationwide to support innovation and change.  An area of his particular interest and expertise is the impact that American families have on schools.  Evans is a grandfatherly figure, educated at Princeton and Harvard, which gives him the clout to say some things that could be potentially difficult to hear.  I expected that he might share some new techniques for parenting kids through the complex challenges of our contemporary world.  His message, however, was almost radical in its simplicity, and an important reminder to parents and educators alike that, despite the rapid changes in the world around us, the basics that undergird healthy child development have not changed - and never will. Evans reduced them to three simple - but not always easy - things that children need from their parents:  nurture, structure, and latitude.

Nurture refers to the instinctive relationship between a parent and child.  It forms the bedrock of psychological strengths involved in learning how to relate to others and be part of a community.  The need for it is so primal that babies will fail to thrive - or even die - without it.   Given this knowledge, it is concerning that the amount of time that parents spend with their children has dropped about 20 hours a week over the past 20 years.  Dr. Evans's debunked the fallacy that bursts of intense "quality time" will make up for quantity.  He was very clear that we have to be physically and emotionally present to our children in large doses of low-quality interactions to effect healthy nurture.  And he took us a step further in making the blunt statement that soccer sidelines and virtual or distracted connections are not a substitute for real presence.

Structure is that box of boundary lines that we place around behavior and expectations.  You might be surprised to learn that it's not only comforting for adults to have defined boundaries for their children, but powerfully comforting for children as well.  Fewer children today, however, are learning from early on that that "there's some stuff they have to do and there are some limits on what they want to do."  Dr. Evans pointed out, by contrast, that kids who grow up in homes with clear boundaries have clear advantages when it comes to success in school and in life.  They are better able to see things from another's point of view and to learn from their mistakes, for example. Interestingly, defining and maintaining  limits also conveys our confidence that children can actually accomplish the things we expect of them, thereby building theirs.

Dr. Evans defined latitude as the freedom to learn from logical consequences of non-catastrophic problems.  Healthy latitude, of course, avoids the extremes of maximum autonomy with no protection from danger and maximum protection with no exposure to danger (or opportunity for growth).  Dr. Evans reminded us that the most important lessons in life are learned in a context of loss and disappointment.  What distinguishes children, he says, is not whether these things happen to them, but what they do when these things happen to them.   Today's parents, it seems, are much more likely not only to lack clarity in boundary-setting, but to support their children's outrageous behavior.
His empathetic explanation for all of these radical shifts in parenting was thought-provoking.  He claims that parents are no longer trusting their primitive parenting instincts because of insecurities about exactly what it is they are preparing their children for.   With the rate of societal change so rapid and the choices for children's futures exploding, it has become really hard to be confident about how best to mentor children for success.

Parenting is, in truth, more challenging today than it has ever been.   We can't, of course, change the forces that surround us, but we have to simultaneously acknowledge that the complex ways we're living our lives today does interfere with the healthy development and resilience of our children. Our instinct might be to turn to parenting manuals and self-help gurus for new or better parenting techniques, but Dr. Evans's view was refreshingly simpler.  He advised parents that we're better off being the best of who we are than something we're not.   Kids don't need their parents to be perfect. So, find something you're good at and do more of it, he said.  All kids have fragile moments, but most kids, he reassured, are mostly resilient without any extra effort.

Three simple takeaways that any parent can do more of to improve the outcomes for their children -wherever their futures may lead:

• Don't do things for your children that they can do on their own
• Don't leap to fix problems for your children before they've had a chance to grapple with them on their own 
• Remember that your children don't have to like you all the time, but they do have to learn to be like you

Finally, look at your children's grandparents for some clues about how to be truly present to your children; and, every now and then, act like a grandparent and just enjoy your kids.  Speaking as one, I think you'll find it truly delightful! 

Headwinds and heart

Reilly Hall was buzzing with energy and engagement; information, and conversation: questions and answers; ideas and passions.  No, it wasn't a school lunch period.  It was, perhaps surprisingly, a school night. And the energy was coming from grown-ups - our grown-ups:  the parents and teachers and staff members who build this school day by day and are invested intellectually, emotionally, and financially in its success.  Together, we took our first bold - and tentative - steps into the unwritten task of "Charting Our Future" in a rapidly changing landscape.

Thank you to the 71 parents and 26 teachers who joined hands and hearts and minds at our meeting last night to take those steps together.  They listened thoughtfully to an overview of the current facts and trends that are shaping our future and then engaged in a spirited process of surfacing values and visions that will launch a three-month strategic planning process to begin next month.

The world is changing; education is changing; and our school will need to change in some way to meet the headwinds we're facing.  The conversation about what form that change may take is just beginning.  If you weren't able to join us last night but would like to include your voice in future planning, watch for upcoming follow-up communication soon.

Together, we will continue to build a strong and sustainable school for the next generation of Catholics in Milwaukee's North Shore.

Private heart, public square

The heart of a nation comes out in an election (Gianna Jessen).  What will next week's election say about the heart of our nation?  Despite the challenges of the current political climate, we are called as Catholics to live our faith in the public square.  And we are called as a Catholic school to form our students to do the same.  How do we do that?

We teach our students about history and government, about our founding principles, about the electoral process.  We teach our older students about the party platforms and policy issues.  We teach them to be respectful of differing points of view while also teaching that God's law can never be compromised.

On Tuesday, we will give our students an opportunity to experience the responsibility of voting. They will sign in, go to a booth and place their votes privately on a Google survey form.  We will tabulate the votes by grade level electoral college-style to provide another layer of learning by experience.

And we will have some fun.  Tuesday will be an out-of-uniform day for all citizens of St. Robert School.  Students and teachers are invited to wear any combination of red, white, and blue - or to dress as a former or current president.

Thanks for supporting our mini experience of democracy in action - and for guiding your children to vote their conscience.

Full of possibilty

Our sweet summer respite has disappeared in a poof!  But we shouldn't lament, for going to school is possibly the singular life experience that is gifted with an annually scheduled opportunity to clear out, clean out, refresh, and transform.  It's a blessing that facilitates human growth and a renewed spirit.

Because family life revolves around this same calendar, it, too, is presented with an annual opportunity for intentional growth and development.  I encourage you to take advantage of this fresh start to reevaluate the rhythms and routines of your daily life and to implement some intentional changes that will help move your family forward in supporting the next horizon of development for each of your children.  In the spirit of stimulating family conversation on just what aspects might be due for renewal, consider these:

• Nutrition  - check out the wellness resources on our website

• Sleep - see guidelines HERE

• Media consumption - see the AAP guidelines HERE

• Activities - consider that children need time for unscheduled, child-directed play

• Family time - heed what experts say about the importance of the family dinner table

• Faith - a healthy family needs a source of inspiration

Here's wishing you the deep satisfaction of a fresh start and a year full of possibility!

A Life Smart summer

In a few short hours, the breathless pace of the past few weeks will come to a screeching halt.  The children who have brought life to our halls and meaning to our work will go home to you - and life will change for all of us for these eleven weeks between school years.  On the surface, we think of these weeks as a vacation from the real work of a child's life.  I prefer to think of this time between as a reincarnation of that work.  The march of life continues, the learning continues, albeit refreshed.

In truth, play is the most natural work of childhood and the most powerful vehicle for learning.  And what better time to play than summer, when sunshine and gentle breezes beckon our children into the natural world and time stretches to allow uninterrupted exploration, experimentation, creation - and thinking?  The primacy of play in early brain development has not changed despite that for many of our children, childhood itself has undergone radical transformation marked most profoundly by an infusion of adult-directed activity and media consumption and a detachment from the natural world.

What does a "Life Smart" summer look like and how can we preserve - or recapture - it for our children? The heartbeat of rich summer days is child-directed.  It includes physical activity that comes from more than rule-based team games.  It includes rolling down a hill, jumping from rock to rock, spinning until you fall, chasing anything, hiking, hauling, climbing, hanging upside down.

A Life Smart summer also includes make-believe, dreaming, and creating something out of nothing; writing plays or poems or newspapers, building forts or fairy-tale worlds in the woods, lying on your back and seeing magical shapes in the clouds.

A Life Smart summer includes some daily structure, too; household chores for even the youngest members; making beds, emptying trash; routines and responsibilities; contribution to the family; pride of accomplishment.  It includes weekly trips to the library and daily reading - under a tree, in a tent, even with a flashlight in bed.  It includes daily bedtime prayers and daily meals - at a table or on a blanket or on a beach.

A life Smart summer includes conversations and activities and projects with attentive grown-ups; important child-directed, conversations with active listeners who are not rushed or distracted; important, memory-making projects like building a go cart or a garden.

Perhaps most important to a Life Smart summer is immersion in the natural world - regular, extended, full, attentive immersion; skipping stones, jumping in puddles, running in waves, fishing, watching bugs, digging in the mud, growing a bouquet - or a salad; looking, listening, smelling, touching - closely.

A Life Smart summer doesn't have much time for media.  Put limits on it and give your children the time and inclination to grow in really important ways.  Help them shift into a Life Smart summer and delight in watching their natural instincts take over.

Happy exploring, growing, memory-making.  Happy childhood.  Happy family time. Happy summer.