Simple parenting for a complex age

I had the privilege a couple of weeks ago to attend the presentation on raising resilient children hosted at University School by REDGen, our local youth mental health advocacy organization.  The speaker, Dr. Robert Evans, is a clinical and organizational psychologist and former teacher who works with schools nationwide to support innovation and change.  An area of his particular interest and expertise is the impact that American families have on schools.  Evans is a grandfatherly figure, educated at Princeton and Harvard, which gives him the clout to say some things that could be potentially difficult to hear.  I expected that he might share some new techniques for parenting kids through the complex challenges of our contemporary world.  His message, however, was almost radical in its simplicity, and an important reminder to parents and educators alike that, despite the rapid changes in the world around us, the basics that undergird healthy child development have not changed - and never will. Evans reduced them to three simple - but not always easy - things that children need from their parents:  nurture, structure, and latitude.

Nurture refers to the instinctive relationship between a parent and child.  It forms the bedrock of psychological strengths involved in learning how to relate to others and be part of a community.  The need for it is so primal that babies will fail to thrive - or even die - without it.   Given this knowledge, it is concerning that the amount of time that parents spend with their children has dropped about 20 hours a week over the past 20 years.  Dr. Evans's debunked the fallacy that bursts of intense "quality time" will make up for quantity.  He was very clear that we have to be physically and emotionally present to our children in large doses of low-quality interactions to effect healthy nurture.  And he took us a step further in making the blunt statement that soccer sidelines and virtual or distracted connections are not a substitute for real presence.

Structure is that box of boundary lines that we place around behavior and expectations.  You might be surprised to learn that it's not only comforting for adults to have defined boundaries for their children, but powerfully comforting for children as well.  Fewer children today, however, are learning from early on that that "there's some stuff they have to do and there are some limits on what they want to do."  Dr. Evans pointed out, by contrast, that kids who grow up in homes with clear boundaries have clear advantages when it comes to success in school and in life.  They are better able to see things from another's point of view and to learn from their mistakes, for example. Interestingly, defining and maintaining  limits also conveys our confidence that children can actually accomplish the things we expect of them, thereby building theirs.

Dr. Evans defined latitude as the freedom to learn from logical consequences of non-catastrophic problems.  Healthy latitude, of course, avoids the extremes of maximum autonomy with no protection from danger and maximum protection with no exposure to danger (or opportunity for growth).  Dr. Evans reminded us that the most important lessons in life are learned in a context of loss and disappointment.  What distinguishes children, he says, is not whether these things happen to them, but what they do when these things happen to them.   Today's parents, it seems, are much more likely not only to lack clarity in boundary-setting, but to support their children's outrageous behavior.
His empathetic explanation for all of these radical shifts in parenting was thought-provoking.  He claims that parents are no longer trusting their primitive parenting instincts because of insecurities about exactly what it is they are preparing their children for.   With the rate of societal change so rapid and the choices for children's futures exploding, it has become really hard to be confident about how best to mentor children for success.

Parenting is, in truth, more challenging today than it has ever been.   We can't, of course, change the forces that surround us, but we have to simultaneously acknowledge that the complex ways we're living our lives today does interfere with the healthy development and resilience of our children. Our instinct might be to turn to parenting manuals and self-help gurus for new or better parenting techniques, but Dr. Evans's view was refreshingly simpler.  He advised parents that we're better off being the best of who we are than something we're not.   Kids don't need their parents to be perfect. So, find something you're good at and do more of it, he said.  All kids have fragile moments, but most kids, he reassured, are mostly resilient without any extra effort.

Three simple takeaways that any parent can do more of to improve the outcomes for their children -wherever their futures may lead:

• Don't do things for your children that they can do on their own
• Don't leap to fix problems for your children before they've had a chance to grapple with them on their own 
• Remember that your children don't have to like you all the time, but they do have to learn to be like you

Finally, look at your children's grandparents for some clues about how to be truly present to your children; and, every now and then, act like a grandparent and just enjoy your kids.  Speaking as one, I think you'll find it truly delightful!